Frequently Asked Questions

ALL IN. Our skilled primates are trained in "The System", a pre-flop all-in strategy that is very effective in neutralizing highly skilled opponents in no-limit Texas Hold'Em. We play online 24 X 7.

Q. How is this possible?
A. Primate Poker uses a patent-pending training method unavailable elsewhere. Because of this, we have the only scientifically verified, winning, online poker - playing primates in the world.

Q. When do your players play?
A. Our players play online poker around the clock in 4-hour shifts.

Q. What are the names of your players?
A. Some of the online poker player names include “Annie_Nuke”, “DrDestructo”, “Donetello”, and “ThePikerMan”. We add new players each week.

RAISE!! At first our apes used simple hand signals for checking, betting, and raising. With the ability to verbalize, the hand signals are now optional.

Q. What online poker games to your Primate Poker players favor?
A. Almost 90% No-Limit Texas Hold’Em in the single table tournament format. We are branching out into other games and formats.

Q. Can you cite the specific poker research and writings that have influenced Primate Poker?
A. Yes. The greatest influence was David Sklansky and his book "Tournament Poker for Advanced Players". Specifically, page 122 which describes "The System" for no-limit strategy. A second influence, and the one that caught the initial attention of our CEO is the great writing of Daniel Negreanu. Daniel wrote an article in 2002 that absolutely stunned our CEO, Dr. Norm McAuliffe. You can see Daniel's very important, influential article here.

Q. Is there any online poker collusion among Primate Poker players?
A. No. None whatsoever. Each player at Primate Poker has a high level of self esteem and personal pride. It's part of the training. We emphasize rewards. Performance at the tables directly effects the number of mating opportunities, so each player is careful to play for himself. These big primates are very territorial. And just like us, they realize completely that there can only be one alpha animal.

Q. Who does the training of the online poker apes?
A. We’d rather not say. The apes are all recipients of technical education. They all get JSP training, Java training and .NET training at PPI before they start playing poker online. When they get here, they already have passed our special poker training program for primates.

CHECK. All of the Primate Poker players play no-limit Texas Hold'Em. But a few prefer Omaha.

Q. Why no-limit online poker only?
A. Because the game is easier to beat and our apes can play it. We play according to Sklansky. Sklansky's pre-flop, all-in strategy for no-limit texas Hold'Em is simple. Human online poker players are aware of these strategies that work in no-limit, yet they do not execute on them. People think they're smart. Our apes don't. They simply follow directions. Our apes know the strategies, and they execute. There is no ego involved. They execute Sklanky's simple system in no-limit play.

This is why they win.

Q. Am I safe if I play online poker in a multi-table tournament format?
A. Yes, for the moment. None of our apes play the multi-table format.

Q. Where can I learn about the poker strategies employed by Primate Poker?
A. Check out the book by David Sklansky entitled “Tournament Poker for Advanced Players” starting on page 122. We use the system described there, with certain proprietary modifications that more than double the “earn” in some individuals.We are basically pre-flop move-in specialists.

TABLE IMAGE. Our apes are great, and often understimated by other players online. This makes them very dangerous at the tables.

Q. Should I play if I see one of your player names at the online poker table?
A. We do not advise playing against our players unless you sincerely wish to gamble and probably (read: "definitely") diminish your bankroll. Regardless of your expertise, the way we play forces you to gamble. What we do is basically a castration of the skilled player. We strip him of his ability to employ his edge by forcing a big pre-flop decision.

Q. Where can I buy Primate Poker™ gear?
A. You can buy official PrimatePoker™ online poker gear at our store. We have shirts, hats and other Primate Poker ™ “stuff” available there for you to check out. Shirts, caps, sweatshirts...everything is there.

Q. When am I going to see you guys on TV?
A. Soon. Very soon. We are planning a special event. We need a little more time building our bankroll playing online poker. Then we'll be branching out.

Q. Have there been any instances of primates playing online poker in the past, before Primate Poker?
A. There was a highly developed, exceptional chimp named Oliver. He could probably play very well if he was trained properly. Some people have claimed they’ve trained monkeys and to play poker. Frankly, that's absurd. Only apes can play poker. Great apes. Our apes. Certified Primate Poker™ apes. Not lower primates, or old-world monkeys. We at Primate Poker have the only team of scientifically verified, online poker playing great apes anywhere in the world. Our online poker training program is unique and properietary. It includes certain biological techniques that are patent-pending.

Q. What makes the primates especially suited for no-limit, online poker play?
A. Apes are highly intelligent and operate on instinct. When trained, they do what they are told. People won't-- and don't. They get emotional. Our players are instinctive poker animals. However, they will override a rule if they smell alot of fear or otherwise think the situation calls for exception handling. The main thing they have going is the ability to learn and follow a system. They are also very playful, VERY aggressive... and love to win.

BLUFFING. Bluffing is something that comes naturally to these big primates. This innate nature makes them very effective in the big-bet, no-limit games.

Q. Who is Primate Programming Inc?
A. “PPI” is the company in Des Moines Iowa that provides low-cost, high-quality IT services using great apes. Our players come from PPI, where they started out as programmers. You can learn more about Primate Programming Inc by clicking the link above.

Q. Why are all the online poker players programmers?
A. The ability to program is part of the secret of what we do. We will be exposing more and more of our technology and techniques, over time. We are currently in the process of moving to St. Maarten, and after that move is complete we will be explaining the technology that (in part) makes our performance so great.

Q. Can your apes play 'limit' online poker, or games besides Texas Hold’Em?
A. For the moment no. We play according to Sklansky. That means strictly the no-limit Texas Hold'em in the tournament format. For some reason some of our players like no-limit Omaha8 and no-limit Lowball. If and when we see these games in a tournament format online, we may branch out. Some of the gorillas expressing strong interest.

Q. What's up with the condos in St. Maarten?
A. The Caribbean climate is nice for our apes. Very nice. We are thinking of their future. The PITA people were a big influence in this regard. We are taking the excess cash and buying up land in St. Maarten for the staff. And the condos of course, for the management. It's all part of the overall retirement plan here. We have a very long time horizon, since these apes can play well for 20, 30, even 40 years. They can basically play as long as the tables are soft online.

REQUIRED READING. The Primate Poker Manifesto.

Q. Why are you exposing your online poker strategies in detail?
A. The irony is, most people have lazy thinking habits. It doesn't matter what we expose, or say, or prove. For example, alot of people believe success is totally luck, or some kind of "by-chance, utterly random" event. But successful people know that "industry and patience is the surest way to wealth". Even in a game like online poker. You have to apply yourself.

So, even when you expose a winning strategy, if it takes discipline, industry and real effort to execute, most people just won't do it. Are they afraid of focusing, putting out effort, actually working hard? Yes, yes, and yes.

Our online poker profits are a direct result of our diligent efforts, not some special secret knowledge. "Luck" seems to follow the primates who stay rational and work the hardest. Our profits come from those who think otherwise.

"You see, but you do not observe. The distinction is clear."

--Sherlock Holmes to Watson, A Scandal in Bohemia